just need something new

I might be starting a new blog. Or, I’m starting a new blog and I might move the works over here. I don’t know. Just something I need to pursue.

I’ve hit a point once again where I am feeling the angst of being misunderstood. Friends who have been in my life for a long long time just don’t “get me”. And it’s not that so much – at least I don’t think that’s it. Rather, it’s the feeling that they don’t care enough about me to give me that benefit of the doubt that would let the conversation continue.

I’m not normally this obstinate. I’m just drawn this way.

But really, why can’t I catch a break? I feel like I’m asked my opinion, and I give it with my own oomph behind it, and because it’s not the party line and doesn’t adequately line up with what was expected, I’m tossed aside like yesterday’s newspaper print edition. It’s like however many years of friendship and shared experience don’t mean anything anymore since my opinions are now coming to different conclusions.

I’m glad Vicki loves me no matter what. We might not see eye to eye, and I might have a different take on reality, but she doesn’t turn me into the enemy in order to feel better about herself.

I should be used to this by now. My thoughts and feelings about what constitute real relationship have been molded by these same experiences over the past ten years or so. Whether it’s geography, agreement, politics, religious beliefs, sports teams – if there are discrepancies growing in the things that held us together in the first place, the relationship crumbles and fails.

BUT I DON’T COMPLETELY DISAGREE. There, I said it. Or typed it. Just because I’ve thought deeply and found our opening questions and opinions lacking, and just because I’ve gone a next logical step to find something meaningful and good amd really worth pursuing – that doesn’t put me in the opposition. And that’s what hacks me off most. My “hey, let’s talk about this because I’ve got some information or thoughts that might take this out of the theoretical and move it into reality we can live out” comes up against “that’s just plain wrong and you’re a heretic for believing anything even remotely like what I think you just said, and I didn’t hear it right because I didn’t care enough to listen, and I’m prejudiced because the words you used were the wrong ones for this conversation, you liberal commie atheist”.

But I don’t completely disagree. And it hurts to feel that friends don’t care enough to try.

So, all that to start this new site on a totally angst-filled footing. I’m sorry, it’s just a website, and both of you deserve better.


4 thoughts on “just need something new

  1. jae says:

    As much as we’ve had disagreements, I can honestly say I still respect your perspective on things. But even with those differences, I (we) have found ourselves in similar positions to the one you describe. I don’t have words of wisdom for you, just a companion on that road.

  2. Rick says:

    Thanks, Jae – and that’s the coolest thing ever. Makes me sad that people I know face-to-face don’t give me as much freedom to be me as folks who’ve never laid eyes on.

  3. James says:

    You, obstinate? I woudda never believed it. I recall many conversations I had with a friend with whom we had no political or spiritual common ground, and we would have intense conversations for hours and hours. But it was our mutual affection and respect for one another that tempered our converations and rendered them quite enjoyable. We loved to disagree, like Siskel and Ebert, but we always respected the fact that we each held differing beliefs and opinions and it strengthened us. I grew to know him better and he me. If you are unable to maintain that understanding, ask yourself, is it me, or them? Or are you not truly connecting at a level where you need to be connecting?

  4. Rick says:

    The “this is me” side is that I really don’t need to push/toss my two cents worth into conversations that just aren’t ready for that. Otherwise, it becomes something of a tug of rhetorical war on the other side.

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