My confession: Sitting here tonight at 11:00pm, Saturday – I already don’t want to go to church tomorrow.
We went to see Prince Caspian tonight – thought it was a good film, enjoyed the story and the characters immensely. One of the things that I want to instill in our kids is a sense of wonder, of awe, of nobility with emotion and passion. The Narnia tales are good stories full of just that sort of thing, and I want them to be a part of their lives, too. I’m sensing a need to fight for "what’s right" and for "what feels right" – not just a duty bound life, but one that really looks for the good, looks for the best, and tries to live that out.
It’s not fear, or at least, I don’t think it’s fear, that twists my stomach each week. If it is fear, it’s a coming from a sense that I won’t be able to control my emotions, that my sarcasm will get the best of me, that my cynicism will shine through the chinks in my cardboard armor. It’s not a personal thing against anyone. It’s just a vibe that builds in me around the whole experience, feeling like it takes the feeling out of it, if that makes sense. Sunday mornings feel like a show, and I’m not sure that’s the right vibe for me.
It’s almost like I feel that I’ll be letting God down if I go, if I buy in, if I follow through on what feels inside to be so wrongly directed. But if I don’t go, then I’ll be buying into something different that might not be better, that might be worse. And I’ll be removing myself from the place where I might actually need to be anyway.