"It’s all elegantly simple and largely fruitless, apart from providing an outlet for pent-up aggression not unlike professional wrestling." – Brian McLaren, Everything Must Change, p. 121
That’s in a paragraph that’s just touching on the tendency towards Bible prooftexting of arguments to support theological claims, how we’re so quick to get into it and so quick to get offended by it. and it has a wrestling allusion for my friend, Todd, so I had to toss it out here.
Wrestling is kinda what I’m feeling on the inside, a wrestling with what to do, what’s expected, what’s for the common good and my own personal sanity. The past couple of Sundays, I just haven’t been on it for whatever reason. I’ve twittered and facebook-statused that I haven’t felt "churchy" – and I think I mean that I’m not in the mood for the same ol’ same ol’ that has come to exemplify my churchgoing habits lately. That’s all I’ve felt – habit, obligation, duty, just-what-we-do-instead-of-sleeping-in-on-Sunday. And I’m not even talking about "feeling" here, because it’s deeper than that, in my wrestling mind and heart anyway. It’s deeper, because I see and hear phrases and instances that throw up huge waving red danger flags all around. It feels like we’re going to church in a danger-slippery-when-churchy workzone site.
Vicki sees it in me, too, and from some conversations we’ve had lately I’m beginning to rub off on her that way. Some of the folks from small group understand, and honestly, that’s the only thing that’s bringing some gumption to wanting to tough this out, having a small group that let’s me be me, asking my questions, finding the mysteries and whatever that comes up in our Christian walk together. It just seems to be so difficult to convey that when some lines of communication seem to be cutoff, or drying up, or noncommittal.
I guess I don’t want to be a part of something that’s "elegantly simple and largely fruitless", that in the end, elegance and simplicity need to bring something good to the table. And I still haven’t found what that might be yet.